if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
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the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
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Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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