I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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