im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
