just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
