The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
