at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
