My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
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We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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