2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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