so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
