I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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