Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
