so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
