On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Acid is not a monday night drug
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
