Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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