go do what you do best...puke behind churches
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
