Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
