It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
