somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
