Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
