it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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