even my farts smell like vagina
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
