THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
