Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
