That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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