Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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