Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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