After last night, I could never be a politician.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
