Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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