How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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