My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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