Just fell off a train. Bad.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
