My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
