What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
