if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Welp...herpes.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
