Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
