How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
