chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
