You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
