Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
