i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
