Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
