Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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