I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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