I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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