can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
