I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
FUCK WHALES
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
