DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
