And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
