On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
