You can't motorboat a personality
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
