she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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