ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
