this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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