There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
