my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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