your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
