I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
