Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I want a musical about memes.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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